Let’s be real I’m a pretty positive person I mean in my Gallup Strengths positivity is in my top five. But lately I have been thinking about how sometimes I am trying to be positive even in situations that are making me feel down right awful.
I think it’s OK to not always be a glass half full person, I try to be but let’s be real my anxiety cripples me some days and sometimes it is just too much.
I was sat in our room in València last week not being able to sleep, tossing and turning with a million thoughts running through my head. Not being good enough, creating enough, loosing the weight I want to loose. You name it, it was running at a million miles an hour though my brain. I just laid there crying for hours trying my best not to wake my mum and keep it hidden.
I think that’s the crux here with me is that I try to be positive even when I don’t want to be, to the extent I bottle it up and then burst and it’s not healthy but it’s a continuous cycle, it probably happens a few times a month and I know, like really know I’m just being silly but I get stuck in my own mind and become my own worst critic and enemy.
I could probably win some award for how much I worry and pre-plan scenarios but I cover everything that makes me anxious with positivity to the extent that people at work say “gosh I never see you unhappy” but you can bet I’ve broken down in the toilet a few times when it just peaks.
I think this constant cycle and covering feelings is becoming toxic and sometimes we just need to say it for it to be real which is the purpose of this post. I also know it’s okay, it’s okay to not be 100% all the time. If you’re having a bad day it doesn’t have to be a bad week but it also shouldn’t be people saying “wow you’re chirpy today” said in my best sarcastic Ms Trunchball voice, that crap just doesn’t help!
I think excersice, diet and mindfullness is likely the key to this for me. Excess sugars affect me like a drug and the older I get the more this is clear but I just don’t do anything about it which is silly.
This isn’t a pity party guys by the way, a lot of people cope with the world the way I do but it’s not the way to being happy. Positivity is great and we should all try to look at things in a positive light but it’s not always possible and I think society makes us want to be uber perfect and joyful because that’s what we all aspire to be but gosh it’s exhausting and makes you unhappy when it’s forced.
You’re not alone if you’re feeling the same, I promise. I would love to know if you’ve felt like this and have found ways to help.